Am I a cheeseball?

But, no, seriously – some of my writing throughout this website makes me feel like I don’t know who I am. Seeing these positive words, promising outlooks, and ways I talk about what could be, feels too sugary to me. Like who am I?

Then, I realize; this is why Dennis couldn’t be my friend.

When I was in community college, I helped organize a group of students and unions to engage in a campaign to “Stop Cuts to Community College.” I was maybe 21 and barely affording my tuition even though I was working two jobs. Still, this mattered to me. I needed to make time because the thought that I - and students like me - might be facing a tuition increase felt like an attack and insult to our political power. I kept feeling like community college students, mostly poor and students of color, were getting the brunt of disinvestment within California’s higher education system. So, we did something about it.

Dennis was in search of a new career and was testing out journalism. He was cool. He was a reporter for our community college’s newspaper, walked around with a camera, and was definitely tall with a brooding presence. He heard that I was a part of a rally that got some local attention and decided I might be worthy of an interview.

That’s when I first remember it; spewing platitude. My hope and belief in the power of people was unflinching. I was committed. I worked with the union. I got us on KMEL. We brought busloads of students to go to Sacramento as part of a state-wide advocacy strategy. I baked everyone cookies and made us three types of pita roll sandwiches because isn’t that what you do when you’re on a two-hour bus ride with folks you helped bring together, right?

He felt like I was fake. I had to have an un-altruistic agenda.

It wasn’t until 3 months after we met that he said, “You know, I didn’t believe this was the real you. You seemed too good to be true, but the truth is you are a really good person.”

This is when I realized it. Words that were my truth could seem unreal and overly sweet. It hurts to know I may come off as inauthentic. I don’t want to be misunderstood. Even though, we all are

You may not see me for who I am. But, I do.

Now, I don’t fully agree that I’m a really good person because we’re all just people with complexities that allow us to hold multitudes. I am not good. I am not bad. I am the space between. 

I’m an experience, any relation is.

So, sure - my words can come off cheesy. You may not fully know me or understand who I am and what I stand for as a person. I am not perfect. Words on a website do not define me. And I hope I have the opportunity to show you that I am more than a cheeseball. Truthfully, the words you read here are some of my most authentic words and I just want you to know that I care. 

May we recognize that our fullness is as fun and free as we allow it to be!